I’m doing a little bit of research on “cloud startups.” Haha. Yes, everybody’s a cloud startup these days. Want a cloud company? I’ve got one in my back pocket — CloudNaminity — I just thought of that and it’s so good that I have just registered the domain name and you can have that one for $100M, thank you very much. Like most startup markets, the best part comes down to the names.
Cloudera probably perfected the genre — take something amorphous and “virtualized” and marry it to big data, networking, and “abstraction” and then couple some form of “cloud” with a few vowels and presto — you have billions of dollars!
Cloudera, of course, develops “open-source software for a world dependant on Big Data.” What does that mean? Well, it means they license open-source software called Apache Hadoop. Yeah, okay, so everybody wants to use it because it runs on cheap commodity hardware and can be used to set up massive parallel-processing data systems. Buzzword central — got it.
Let’s run through the rest of the list:
Gigamon. This is one of my favorites. It conjurs up images of the Rastafarian code-monkey tooling around in the data center. Would you like to outsource you cloud services, mon? I’m not sure how many Rastafarians actually work there, but Gigamon’s real purpose in life is to provide “intelligent Traffic Visibility solutions for enterprises, data centers, and service providers around the globe.” In other words, it analyzes where shit is moving.
Atlantis Computing. Hmm, this one is a bit of a head-scratcher. It’s a virtualized data-center storage play — yes, the cloud — but it’s named after an underwater city. Clouds. Ocean. I guess they are both made of water, right? What do they do: “Atlantis ILIO optimizes the way storage-intensive applications use data center storage when virtualized – to reduce the amount of storage consumed, optimize use of shared storage, boost performance, and reduce operationalization risks.”
Please. Operationalization is not a word! Atlantis, I offer some marketing consulting help if you want help.
Blue Jeans Networks. Good name. Retro, like a good 70s jam band. You can remember it. It also helps that I think of that David Bowie song. They make cloud-based video-conferencing tools in rock-opera format.
Cloudant. Dull. Doesn’t roll off the tongue. Try saying it: “Did you get your Cloudant today?” Sounds more like a deodorant. It’s reportedly a provider of cloud database solutions.
dinCloud: Another clunker. What is this? DimCloud? It does not help that the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines “din” as “a welter of discordant sounds.” That does not sound like something I want happening in my data center.
Piston Cloud Computing. WTF? Do they make carburetors or what?
WatchDox. This name is pretty good. It tells you exactly what’s going on. You are watching some data out there in the cloud and stuff. You see, I get that.
Azul Systems: Another good name, primarily because for whatever reason I associate the word Azul with sitting on a beach in Mexico, sipping a Negro Modelo with lime. And perhaps my data center are is run by itself while I do that.
Embrane. This name is either great or it sucks, I can’t decide. When I hear it all I can think of is a rap song: “Embrane in the membrane.” Word!
That’s all for now. I’m exhausted. I haven’t even gotten to Maginatics, Garantie Data, DeepField or yes, CloudOn (can you guess what I’m thinking of that?). If you have ideas for new startups or you have stumbled upon some magnanimously stupid startup name please send them my way!
Magnanimously — good word. Could be combined with Cloud to form a startup I think. Cloudnanimous — I’ll register that too! And just remember: CloudAnimity, that’s mine. E-mail me if you want to buy either of them now.